A Star-Cursed Child Asks Why ...

"And the Gods formed man from the dust of the ground ... and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and man became a living soul ... [And God said to Adam and Eve:] for dust thou wast, and unto dust thou shalt return." ~ Abraham 5:7; Moses 4:25

We are Star Children -- all.

Born of the Light of the universe and the dust of its stars. Essentially, we are -- each of us (and at the risk of invoking the grand spirit of Carl Sagan) -- children of the cosmos, made literally of stardust.

The Gods themselves ordered it, according to LDS (Mormon) theology and scripture, as part of the Eternal Plan of Salvation.

Humans, as Children of Light, are the literal spiritual offspring of God, the Eternal Father, and a glorious heavenly Mother. We are but strangers on a small blue orb adrift in the vast, starry oceans of space. For some great, eternal purpose envisioned eons ago, our tiny planet Earth, as all Mormons quickly learn, was set to be a proving or testing ground in the outer regions of our Milky Way galaxy.... We are but wayfarers among the stars, come from a primordial existence in the presence of God, who is our home.

As co-creators with God, our earthly parents raise up in the image of God tabernacles of clay to house our spirit intelligences. We become living souls, born of mortal parents, but ultimately sired by Heavenly Beings.

This fleeting mortality -- the essence of our testing time on Earth -- is both a blessing and a curse.

A blessing, for it affords us, according to LDS doctrine, literally endless possibilities: "As man now is, God once was; as God now is, man may become."

Mortal life here provides an arena of probation wherein our obedience and submission to the will of God is tested to prove our worthiness to return to His presence, to become like Him. That is, to be transformed into gloriously resurrected personages of Light and perfection: gods and goddesses all, attaining to the eternal likeness and capacity of our Heavenly Parents, with universal kingdoms of our own that have been "prepared" for us.

But how is such a glorious destiny possible if all men die? Death -- both spiritual and physical -- is, after all, mortality's curse, introduced into the world by temptation and sin at the Fall of Adam, when the corruptible stuff of mortality began coursing through men's veins. Man was lost forever, utterly doomed to death and darkness.

A Savior was clearly needed as a part of God's plan for his children -- one who would voluntarily submit to the will of the Holy Father, to become the sacrificial Lamb for mankind and thereby redeem all from physical death, and, in the case of other valiant submissives, from sin also.

In our primordial existence, Mormon doctrine proclaims, a Savior was provided -- foreordained to be the Author and Finisher of our faith, the Keystone of our salvation.

"For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." (I Cor 15:22)

Jesus Christ, the Firstborn Son of the Eternal Father (and Only Begotten in the flesh), through his miraculous Atonement wrought in the terrible crucible of Gethsemane and on the cross at Golgotha, made possible mortality's blessing. Without Him, there would be no opportunity for eternal progression, and Death, mortality's curse -- introduced into the world by the Fall of Adam and Eve -- would be forever victorious, and humanity, forever lost. Death's temporal aspect (the grave) was ultimately vanquished by the triumphal resurrection of Christ from the tomb, while its spiritual aspect (sin) was overcome through the Atonement.

Marvelously, Christ, through his life-giving Sacrifice, vanquished Death. Freely given to all -- to saint and sinner alike -- is the gift of resurrection (physical salvation), the result of Christ's victory over the grave, his triumphal ascent from the tomb. But the gift of eternal life (spiritual salvation), the result of Christ's victory over sin, is extended only to those who would have faith in Him, who would repent, partake of His saving ordinances (including baptism for the remission of sins), follow His teachings, and "endure to the end."

While physical salvation is free, spiritual salvation is a higher gift that demands special requirements of us -- a priceless gift bestowed, yes, by Christ's grace, but only "after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). For only then is His grace "sufficient" and "mighty to save."

In short, to live again with our Heavenly Father and fulfill his glorious Plan of Salvation -- that is, to achieve spiritual exaltation and perfection in the kingdom of God -- we must demonstrate a strong faith and desire for salvation through righteous thought and action: by making sincere, enduring efforts to follow Christ and keep His commandments. Our own "good works" are critical to this ultimate salvation.

Put another way, it is by the Master's resurrection and by availing ourselves -- through repentance and forgiveness -- of the great power of the Atonement, that we through Christ are able to vanquish mortality's curse and be made whole again, both physically and spiritually. Only then are we allowed to return home to God, to be reunited eternally with the heavens, and there, to continue in our journey to become like Him.

We thus avoid life's curse (death) by fully availing ourselves of its blessing, the opportunity in mortality to embark on a personal quest for exaltation -- life everlasting through Christ in God's kingdom.

But is Death life's only archetypal curse? Might there be something else to rival even Death?

A curse is that which thwarts, harms, torments, and ultimately destroys. Death, of course, is the perfect curse -- its ultimate manifestation -- as it accomplishes all of these things utterly. But in the grandest of contexts, a curse might also very well be described as one that utterly thwarts God's Eternal Plan for his children, the purpose of life on the earth. For this would be death of a different kind, and yet it would utterly accomplish a curse's deadly criteria by forever cutting men off from God.

But is there such a curse -- an alternate spiritual manifestation of Death that contains within itself, like the mortal blood of the Fall, a deadly corruptible stuff that is inherently a part of the flesh at birth and therefore able to do its dark work to utterly frustrate the Eternal Plan -- a plan by only full compliance of which men are empowered to attain heaven's highest realm, and thus return to God?

Death, Christ surely overcame. There are, of course, other "curses" that exist in milder form within the world: these are similar in some respects, yet are in other ways very different -- separate and apart from spiritual and physical death. To rival Death, a curse would have to have the ability of desolation, to utterly harm, torment, and destroy -- a power these milder forms do not possess.

Physical and spiritual death are brought about by the Fall (which we did not choose) and also by our own sins and transgressions (which we do choose). As it happens, there do exist -- albeit as mere forerunners to physical death -- other destructive fates that are not chosen by God's children, but which seem also to be "curses" of a kind, affecting us physically in the short term, but never lastingly in the long-term spiritual sense. That is, those so afflicted are not utterly harmed by them: they will not be spiritually held accountable on "judgment day" for these kinds of "curses," as they did not choose them. These would-be curses will finally be erased in the resurrection through the saving grace and mercy of Jesus Christ.

As with corruptible mortality that men inherit from the Fall, these seeming curses are both unfortunate and unchosen -- dictated by outside forces or fates beyond one's control. These unsavory lots make their malformed marks via certain genetic conditions, physical ailments or maladies that only seem to be, from our mortal perspective, permanent or irreversible.

But what conceivable purpose might these "curses" have for God's eternal plan of salvation?

Such "curses" are of a temporary physical nature, LDS doctrine informs, and do not extend past mortal life. In our brief sojourn on Earth, they are meant to humble, strengthen, and perfect us as Star Children worthy of a royal inheritance. They've no untoward spiritual impact, for it is never considered a sinful thing to be so afflicted. On the contrary, built within these kinds of "curses" is a marvelous inherent power, if effectively seized upon, to aid a Star Child's quest for spiritual redemption and salvation through Christ. Regardless of whether one attains exaltation, it is at the moment of resurrection, when one's spirit is eternally reunited with one's physical body, that these difficult burdens are to be forever banished -- the Savior's gift to all mankind.

Far from being "utterly" destructive, then, these "curses" can ultimately advance God's purposes and bring spiritual salvation and eternal life to His children. Such maladies ultimately become a blessing to those so afflicted, if allowed to do so.

Moreover, because of their sympathetic nature, these seeming curses can be transformed -- often unwittingly -- into admirable phenomena: that is, the Star Children so afflicted by them are, as a matter of course, held up as heroic examples of humanity, deserving broad public respect and admiration, their names to be honored and praised for their tremendous courage, longsuffering, and endurance through trial, heartache and pain. For the afflicted Star Child, then, this typically general response to human adversity can ultimately be a good, positive, constructive thing, now and in eternity. For some, such adversity may even be the silver-lining of salvation, their life's veritable "diamond in the rough."

But what of homosexuality? Might this be a curse of a different color? Here, indeed, enshrouded in ageless infamy, there may be something more: not merely an apparent curse, but truly, under the inherently dark and inescapable influence of its permanence and finality -- its utter, deadly impact -- a curse to rival Death. Let's consider:

Similar in ways to other earth-bound maladies, this true curse is physical: both genetic and unchosen. For who of a right mind (gays are quick to contend) would voluntarily choose such a fate -- bound up as it is with its attendant, massively destructive socioreligious prejudices and preconceptions -- only to invite into the life of the "accursed" needless sorrow and persecution?

The homosexual curse, then, is also a spiritual one: its desolating power bound up, yes, in its potent physical manifestations, but more so in its devastating spiritual effects that gradually consume its victims -- effects magnifed by the ignorant judgments of religion and society, which view it as "sin."

It is in its total physical-spiritual impact that homosexuality finds its utter power to harm, torment, and destroy -- and therefore places it on an "accursed" par with Death itself.

Homosexuality is a twisted take on spiritual death that begins before birth. Its freakish fruits, inherently seeded by stardust, are nurtured by the scorn of the world. Betrayed to societal intolerance by its matured expression, its right to freely exist is always, invariably denied: a rabid denial that crushes the soul. Like a hot iron it sears a human being's self-concept and image, one's ability to healthily interact in a society so stricken with fear and misunderstanding.

Sexuality is itself such a core component of human physiology and sociological identity -- deep-seated and endlessly complex -- that it's no wonder a Star Child's soul is so adversely impacted by its so-called "unnatural" expression, homosexuality.

For those individuals, especially, who are bound by conscience to religious or social ideologies that demand prescribed standards of ethical conduct or behavior, the condition offers very little indeed -- especially in the realm of romantic love and affection, or by way of an intimate joy for emotional and physical health and fulfillment.

A Star Child resisting the ecstasies of that world, bound inextricably by ideologies and the understandable social and religious fears of liberating his natural drives or inclinations, may realistically hope for little beyond a sexually stoic and solitary life -- loveless -- stripped of romantic affection for any would-be beloved. The terrible havoc that such a dearth plays on a human being's mental, emotional, and spiritual health as that person struggles notwithstanding to healthily and with some modicum of "normalcy" interact in the real world among those of both sexes can only adequately be expressed by one so afflicted.

For other "star-cursed" souls of the world who, perhaps, must also confront obstacles to romantic love but who suffer from different maladies of the flesh, the situation is a very different one, as religious and cultural mores at least permit these individuals (without consequence, retribution, or punishment) to explore, if not fully taste, the pleasures of romantic attraction, physical expression and love -- the full spectrum of physically and emotionally fulfilling delights that lend health and stability of mind, body, and spirit to the human soul, but which are utterly forbidden the homosexually star-cursed.

To others, at least -- those who may suffer differently -- the romantic options are open, if not fully accessible.

This Death-rivaling curse possesses, in its senseless and brutal impact, the unimaginably ugly potential to devastate a human soul -- physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually. Tragically, it has the facile ability to push a despairing soul to the abyss and, there, pay mortality's last cruel insult. How? By affording Death the morbid honors of welcoming the wretched Child in suicidal embrace to hell. At world's end, Death is, pathetically, the only savior dimly visible on the gay Star Child's black, desolate horizon.

But barring that hopeless fate, the star-cursed individual who counts each lucky star for strength to avoid the fall must still dare to weather the wicked winds of a pitiless world. The wretch may be assured, unless it seeks the elusive help of charitable hands, that no comfort or praise will be forthcoming. . . .

For it's the very pitilessness and dire apathy of our world, as it plays homicidal havoc on a Star Child's delicate psyhe, that still out-distances homosexuality from any Death-like contender among mortality's perceived "curses": For unlike other earthly misfortunes, homosexuality is decidedly NOT viewed -- in any general sense (that is, by a society's larger populace or vocal majority) -- as something that is in any fathomable way worthy of heroic admiration or reverence. No, such gently falling rays of societal sunshine are reserved for other warmth-worthy creatures that are more acceptable and pleasing to the tastes and temperaments of the starry powers that be -- as invariably more blessed "curses" are.

Homosexuality is a long-long way, indeed, from being anywhere within an ear's shot of any such general praise or adulation for some perceived human triumph, long-suffering feat, or agonizing conquest -- let alone from being recognized for some innate heroic virtue(!) which doubtless would surprise, even startle the world. . . . Here is a "curse" indeed that truly begins to live up to the name.

Almost to the extent of Death itself has homosexuality, through the ages, been cast a fearful, ice-cold glare by humanity's masses for its utter abhorrence -- for its sickening infamy. Ever held in terrible derision, ever the object of murderous scorn, never is homosexuality portrayed in the eyes of the general populace as a bright, admirable star in humanity's sky; a priceless pearl in mankind's vast ocean; or a glistening, multi-faceted gem that by brilliant reflection celebrates a world of wonderfully divergent forms.

. . . Nor will it ever be so portrayed. If only to spite those unlucky enough to suffer the crushing crucible of this friendless fate.

Beyond its utter torment, homosexuality fulfills its Death-like destiny by finally destroying its victims. First, in ways that are physical: that is to say, physiologically, emotionally, psychologically. As might cruelly happen, say, when in a bizarre turn of events, a sexually cursed computer, endowed with all the correct hardware, meets circuit-blowing frustration in its overheated failure to properly function, perform, and otherwise express itself with a computer of the opposite sex when that ability is utterly thwarted by the computer-crashing download of an entirely mismatched (perverted) software.

Second, comes destruction spiritual, which, for many star-cursed wretches, is homosexuality's most devastating consequence, as its abusive effects seem to extend agonizingly -- in drawn out, mutilated forms -- through this life and, if sexual orientation is eternal, horrifyingly into the next.

(On this point of orientation, no official LDS doctrinal revelation from heaven has yet been given -- on a par, say, with the 1978 revelation allowing Black men rights to hold the Mormon priesthood, which is certainly what this difficult, complex issue and those individuals who are affected by it merit; answers are needed.)

This incomprehensibly damning spiritual aspect of the homosexual curse is particularly problematic for Star Children who call themselves Mormons. Such a curse, they believe, flies in the face of and utterly frustrates the Plan of Eternal Happiness as it was laid down by the Father in the pre-existence. It frustrates the natural processes of life, as it prevents procreation, and therefore damns up the way for "the continuation of lives" -- the ongoing salvation and exaltation of God's children, which is the Father's "work" and his "glory."

Why, then, dear God, the bothered and bewildered Star Child asks, since homosexuality "damns up the way," didst Thou allow for such perverted havoc by cosmic stardust, which makes procreation impossible and so frustrates thy Plan of Happiness -- not only for future lives, but also for this Star Child's life?

Silence. No response is given. For, unlike other maladies of the flesh, an explanation for its purpose has never been made nor likely is to be forthcoming, especially in light of there having been no such illumination during several millenia of homosexually star-cursed lives. Why should the revelation appear now (unless for the same kind of reasons Blacks didn't receive the priesthood until 1978), and what would it say? Beyond revealing the reason for the deadly curse, what possible light might it shed on redemption? Might a cure be revealed, or some special healing ordinance that would "lift" the curse, as the curse of Cain was lifted? Is there any "saving gay grace" that would "come out of the closet" with the revealed word? If so, why would God only now wish to redeem but a few of the homosexual hordes who've ever lived on Earth? Unless, perhaps, this generation is somehow different, as was clearly the case in 1978 for Blacks.

The prophets and apostles of Mormondom freely admit that they do not know the answer for the silence, that until it is at last revealed, this "unfortunate" curse will remain a total mystery.

Other temporal so-called "curses," on the other hand, in no sense frustrate God's plan, as the afflicted are yet permitted and, to varying degrees, are able and even encouraged to fully comply with God's standard for eternal life, which includes celestial marriage. Happily, these afflictions prove not to be curses at all, but instead work ultimately to advance the Plan of God, to His glory and to the glory of Star Children everywhere. Indeed, because we humans enjoy a marked capacity for resilience, temporal physical adversities (adverse burdens) surprisingly, serendipitously tend rather to refine, strengthen, and perfect the human soul that sojourns in this world, preparing that soul admirably for life in far better one.

I submit, then, that there are those Star Children who are cursed in a wildly different way -- inherently, immutably, irreparably so -- by their genetic birth, by nature, by the stars. Theirs is a shameful, sexual curse which they are asked of Heaven to endure in the most profound, humiliating and unchangeable ways, with no blessed recourse or hopeful purpose, no ultimate respite or redemption that has ever officially been revealed.

Stardust, it turns out, isn't all that it's trumpeted to be: it may indeed give life, but it also has an inherent ability to sap life . . . and, amongst a relatively small, though broadly diverse minority of planet-dwellers, in rather perverse ways -- different from Death, but no less destructive. Such is the precarious lot of God's gay, star-cursed Saints -- an even smaller societal segment of Mormon faithful who've been so fated with this rather queer, peculiar brand of the stellar stuff.

For this is stardust of a different order, Starstuff of the Third Kind: strange, alien, worthy of humankind's worst fears.

Neither life-giving nor life-promoting, it only frustrates -- in some inexplicable, terrifically disillusioning fashion -- God's plan.

Homosexuality, at its core (and for obvious reasons), frustrates God's plan of marriage and procreation for his Star Children on the earth. Marriage, as set forth in Genesis, is heaven-ordained to be the union of a man and a woman. And yet the marriage injunction is a universal command that exempts no one from obeying it -- all of God's children are subject to all of his commandments: He is "no respecter of persons."

Here, then, is a dilemma within a dilemma. Gays across the globe, simply by their natures, are faced with the initial conundrum: The stardust was not kind to them, so marrying those with whom they have a natural attraction does not even fit within the framework of God's plan. That plan, laid down unequivocally by the God of the Old Testament, forbids gays, including those of the LDS persuasion, from exchanging wedding vows.

The second dilemma faces LDS Church members only. For from the beginning of the restored gospel dispensation, God has required a universal compliance as well: marriage "for eternity" in Mormon temples. There was never, until quite recently, any exemption to the rule: all were expected to adhere to the requirements of God's "higher law" -- this included apparently (however illogically) gay members of the Church.

Reconciling oneself to the first dilemma, although painful for "life companionship" reasons, has traditionally not been an impossible obstacle for the would-be faithful Mormon wishing to retain his or her good standing within the Church. The official counsel of Church leaders, which Mormons accept as the word and will of God, mirrors perfectly the ancient law: same-sex marriage is forbidden. In its sound doctrinal context, such counsel is, for faithful Mormon gays, and though it remains a deeply troubling issue, understandable even to them.

It's the second dilemma, ironically enough, that becomes problematic. For the goal of every Latter-day Saint is exaltation, eternal life, and "eternal increase" (endless offspring) in the Kingdom of God, made possible only by the sacred ordinance of eternal marriage. It's the Grand-Daddy of the whys and wherefores of mortal existence: the big Why and Where of "why am I here?" and "where am I going?" It's the whole reason for participating in the Mormon way.

If one's own sex is "off limits" for salvation in God's kingdom, who, then, is left to marry but those of the opposite sex? One must make the extremely difficult choice to marry against natural desire or inclination for an eternal celestial goal that must confuse and contort in excruciating ways the whole question of origins, existence and destiny: Do I really want to live an eternity with a member of the opposite sex for whom I share absolutely no physical attraction, for whom there isn't the least bit of romantic desire by which to nurture a unity, let alone a desire to consummate that "love" -- and not just once, but an infinity(!) of times, populating worlds (is it even possible?) without number, without end?

But suppose a gay Star Child is able to reconcile himself fully not only to the issue of eternal marriage, with its supremely troubling sexual aspects, but also to a complete submission to the will of God, however unrealistic that expectation might be. Now, suppose, he goes even further: that he actually finds one of the opposite sex whom he grows to genuinely love and cherish, with whom he courageously resolves to brave the eternities ... somehow.

That's all well and good -- until someone decides to throw a wrench in the works. . . .

The current bleakness, the unbearable reality that faces today's gay Mormon Star Child (to the strange guilt-anger mix of those who, for having tried, already suffer an aftermath of broken hearts and homes), is that now, what used to be acceptable, even encouraged, no longer is. That is, until very recently, brave "mixed-orientation" couples, in pioneer fashion, blazed those intrepid trails to temple altars, to beat life's odds in Nature's spite. But more importantly, to meet triumphantly God's demands for the gift of eternal life.

Excellent. Well done. . . . Now, however, the current "official" counsel fully reverses the age-old commandment that traditionally applied to everyone. Based understandably on years of sad experience, first-hand among gay members and their families, professional counsellors and clergy, it is now NOT advisable for homosexual Mormons to exchange eternal vows with heterosexual Mormons.

Ouch. Of course, this is a really big owie for those who've already done so -- who've long since made the big leap -- and are only just realizing that their long-held Mormon dreams can, in fact, against what should be the righteous destiny of the faithful, become living nightmares.

What does this "updated" doctrinal policy mean?

First, while it frowns on "mixed-orientation" marriages, the "newly refreshed" recommendation ultimately flies in the face of seminal truths (the Sinai-like stone ones) that Mormons are taught from infancy to revere and cherish. For in its meaning it declares that God is, after all, a "respecter of persons" and discriminates among his children: Lamentably, there will be those "unnatural," unlucky few -- though otherwise worthy, even to have tried the marriage experiment -- who find themsleves by Nature's stamp ultimately "outside" the pearly gates of God's highest heaven.

Nature itself, it is revealed, powerfully informs the word of God (perhaps a part of the natural law that even He must obey?) -- He who must know that not all inherit a capacity to comply fully (via temple marriage) with the requirements of eternal life, exaltation and godhood.

. . . These, then, are but a few of the transcendent joys of being Mormon and gay.

No, here we've discovered, at long last, the dark reality of the subject (or perhaps have finally faced up to its truth): that here indeed is Death's perfect partner with which to thwart God's glory, a pitch-black curse for mankind. One that utterly damns the gay Mormon Star Child, makes all but impossible a full compliance with God's Eternal Plan.

Homosexuality, it must be admitted, is an exceedingly gross mockery at the hand of Nature -- that ancient unspeakable sin "with no name." Perhaps it is as it should be, and always should have been, in the eyes of Nature and Heaven. But tragically for those offspring of the cosmic powers wrapped in its dark clutches, and within the context of the Plan of Salvation and the revealed "highter law" of God, homosexuality becomes the natural incapacity of God's gay Star Children to fulfill Heaven's singularly lofty celestial-marriage mandate for eternal lives and glory.

Although, historically, the universal entreaty to submit to each of God's commandments has always been "set in stone," extended to all the offspring of God -- gay, straight, and everything in between -- there clearly are some Star Children whom God, bowing to Natural Law, intends to "leave out in the cold" -- at least in this life.

But the current Church position, sobering and painful though it may be, is not without its rationale. Hard trial and experience among professional counselors and their affected clientele, among ecclesiastical leaders, illuminate the nigh-inevitable consequences of "mixed-orientation" marriages: for it is in the eerie glow of their collective (and well-documented) failure that their utterly devastating effects -- grotesque even, at times -- seem invariably to march monsterlike from the caves of these abortive experiments in predictable, hellish sequence.

The gay Star Child's mysterious exemption from full Mormon temple participation theologically smacks of crossing the finish-line second, winning next-best consolation prizes, receiving second-class accommodations, or playing endlessly in type-cast fashion "Best Supporting Role." The entirely free gift of a glorious resurrection made possible by Christ's redemption over physical death, which flows to every Star Child, regardless of merit, is an indescribably gracious and merciful fate. Oddly, though, it rather pales before the infinite possibilities of celestial glory, godhood, and lives without end.

For the gay Star Child, stirred by whisperings of endless promise and feeling himself worthy of more exalted spheres, "second-class" winnings may not be good enough. Then again, it may be non-negotiable and end up being a "winner's circle" thing, after all.

The Church's current position, while riding admirably the winds of change, still is haunted by ghostly voices loathe to part with cherished tenets and doctrines of the past. As these phantasmic relics careen into the uncomfortable realities of the present, an awkward culture of spiritual elitism erupts, its crude aspect suggesting offensively that parental favoritism (that ancient mythic virtue) may even exist in Heaven -- as if God were shouting from the grandstands: There's them folks that jest seems fit for celestial marriage, and there're them that jes' taint. And if'n they darn well cain't, then the answer's, "naw they ain't!"

Disturbingly, the modern residues of this historically difficult doctrine seem strongly to suggest, too, that God wasn't speaking to all of his children when, in a favorite and oft-quoted Mormon scripture, he declared through his prophet that "the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them" (1 Nephi 3:7).

Such prophetic pronouncements from the LDS canon -- as in their dogmatic applicability they violently disturb the doctrinal peace of celestial marriage in the 21st century -- are false and misleading for those who are homosexually star-cursed. Adopting literally the prophetic injunction to "liken them unto yourselves," such words, in this case, have ushered desolation into countless lives. . . .

Cherished hopes, dreams, and families have all been brutally dashed on the mercilessly destructive reefs of broken promises. Tender, naive forms -- which thought themselves confidently grounded in the prophetic word of God by an absolute, childlike faith -- find themselves utterly shaken, disoriented, feeling partly violated, perhaps even dead, as they're not entirely sure they haven't passed dreamlike into another world.

And in the wake of this tragic twilight, where trust lies motionless in tear-stained shambles, star-cursed voyagers having struggled through a sea-mist of bitter doctrine, now see few options, bereft as they are of any true anchor. All seems a blur. And life's only apparent reality seems to be embodied cruelly nearby in a few familiar masses of unspeakable hurt, disillusion, confusion.

So to further avoid any more broken minds, hearts and other sundry mortal pieces that might fall languishing to the ground (or worse, into the abyss), it should be dogmatically reaffirmed that:

Eternal marriage for Mormon gays (with the obvious exception of those who've already, in "mixed" fashion, perhaps unwittingly, transgressed against counsel) remains effectively un-accomplishable (ignore what 1 Nephi, chapter 3 says), and is henceforth and forever NOT prophet-recommended. Postscript apologies to all for whom, by virtue of this general policy announcement, eternal life and celestial increase may NOT be (nor perhaps ever was in this world) an option. To you, our heartfelt sympathies.

Sound ecclesiastical counsel with regard to homosexuality hasn't always been readily available to struggling gay members of the Church -- nor are some researchers of the hushed-up doctrine certain even now that it is. This comes as no surprise, given that Church leaders now freely admit their ignorance of this mysterious mortal curse with which they must daily deal.

There was a time -- a time decades-long, in fact -- when the LDS Church and its leadership were far more extreme, not only in their discrimination against gays and homosexuality, but also in the Church's "reparative" approaches to the "problem." But while some of these positions and policies have found themselves widely and wisely abandoned by Mormon leadership, incredibly, "mixed-orientation" marriage, until very recently, continued to be advocated as a remedy to the curse!

. . . For marriage is what God wishes for each and every Star Child! . . . Perhaps. It may be true . . . but Ouch.

And such advocacy is recent enough, that it was the very counsel from ecclesiastical leaders (albeit through publications) that I received as a teenager -- serving as I did in my Senior year (really, in a kind of poetic jest and irony) -- as our bishop's First Assistant and also as stake Seminary president! . . . But is such a perverted mix of creature and calling possible? I'm as gay as the day is long! (and have been since my earliest 4-year-old memories) Still, I have (for just as long) enjoyed a deeply spiritual facet to my life, magnified by my various callings within the Church.

That I could in the early '80s find any literature on the subject was itself rare. Up until then, not much had been written -- much less broadcast -- in clear, authoritative, compassionate tones about what exactly a Church member should or shouldn't do, especially as pertaining to marriage, if afflicted by this "perverse" and "abnormal" phenomenon of the homosexually star-cursed.

I do remember President Kimball and Elder Packer, in their revered books and pamphlets, really making me feel good about myself and my "confused" nature, which, they kept reassuring me (to no avail) that I had certainly NOT inherited, but which I had rather mistakenly chosen over time in a few careless, disoriented moments.

Ouch. Notwithstanding this, I continue to have genuinely fond memories of President Kimball and Elder Packer, and all of our beloved prophets, for that matter. They are great, imperfect men, but closer to God and to perfection than most.

Still, getting back on topic, that the Church's best-mustered advice for homosexuals was to marry notwithstanding is quite telling. But then, I think the Church leadership also truly and sincerely believed God when he said that he gave no commandment without providing a way to accomplish it. Many tried-and-died "mixed orientation" marriages later, something about that injunction just doesn't ring true.

Today, with the many evolutionary changes being made in ecclesiastical policy and instruction regarding this difficult issue, not the least of which are the marked policy changes regarding "official" gay nomenclature, it appears that either the Church or God is having doubts . . . but they are golden doubts. For they have given birth to enlightened strides within the Church that continue brilliantly to inform the cultural gay-scape. Because of that blessed doubt, Church policymakers and doctrinal trendsetters are today better equipped to view through the haze . . . to the world as it is, and less as we wish it would be. A world more responsibly grounded in reality, than in utopian dreams of perfection, of a nirvana that never was. And this is a healthy thing.

As marriage and family counselors become more and more savvy to the complex nature of homosexuality's curse -- its inherent existence and persistence -- they're also beginning to advocate (to Church leaders, to LDS counselors, and to the wider public) saner measures and more realistic alternatives for gay Mormons. Even the official language of Church leadership -- its communications jargon -- tones down, as noted, its defining references to homosexuality, recognizing that it is a curse and not some irresponsible, perverted lifestyle choice (though, apologetically, the Church's official voice still admits that homosexuality continues to be a mysterious phenomenon about which we know very little, understand even less, and refers to the curse as merely one that is both "tragic" and "unfortunate").

The vacillating directives do nothing, of course, to ameliorate or help to reconcile the bleak theological dilemmas thrust upon the gay Mormon Star Child: . . . "How to make it to the very top" in spite of Nature's cruelly unforgiving impasse which inexplicably denies me God's keystone ordinance for exaltation. It's rather lamentable for the gay Star Child that that ordinance must be marriage: God, by failing to prepare a way for this key command's universal accomplishment, effectively excludes His gay offspring from the celestial winner's circle.

Still, some of these Star Children (perhaps out of quiet desperation) do, in fact (spurning the bleak evidence, professional-ecclesiastical warnings, and social portents), consider taking would-be heterosexual partners on a roundabout course to the highest heaven (It beats suicide!) -- not certain of its possibility, neither by its indirect trajectory where (into which strange paths or by what detours) it may lead them. That is, they in blind-faith leap, having seriously contemplated and prayerfully pondered whether to go against current counsel, or to comply with previous, outdated counsel.

Such difficult decisions inevitably find a locus in the particular Church-era directive that is considered (at the moment and under the circumstances) to be either the most authoritative or the most convenient. Convenience, after all, is a guilt-free luxury in which many feel to indulge themselves liberally when doctrinal lines become fuzzy or grey -- which condition is not inconstant when Church and society are twixt forced to grapple with the moral dilemmas posed by homosexuality, as well by other disturbing sociosexual realities.

But this connubially precarious other-route to exaltation, if taken, can, from the get-go, betray (as God is my witness) the truly pathetic, unfortunate need the star-cursed Mormon feels to live a by-all-accounts-normal, heterosexual lie: the unrelenting, unspoken socioreligious imperative to make of one's personal life a warped silent comedy, a deceitful farce. Under the intoxicating spell of one's own counterfeit self, the deceit is successfully (albeit painfully and ironically) accomplished to appease the social, political, and religious powers that be.

Now, if it were just me and God . . .

For there's many a gay Mormon Star Child who feels, oddly enough, that somehow God understands better, is more empathetic toward, their predicament than the world or His Church is.

I, of course, at 24 years and by entrenched habit, obeyed the old-guard of Church counsel and did the headlong leap-of-faith thing.

As are most Mormons of Church-urged marriageable age -- that is, young and naive with not a clue of what marriage really entails (and that's just on the heterosexual level!) -- I jumped right in. I say I, because I was foolish enough not to let my beloved in on the shocking secret. After all, it was my secret shame, my wretched cross to bear, my lie to live. It didn't involve her; this personal "working out" of one's own salvation was between me and God.

Little did I know.

But then, little, it now appears, the Church knew.

The key point here, though, is that I obeyed -- a blind compliance, yes, but it was, nonetheless and generally, the sort of good-faith expression of obedience that's so highly thought of and praised within the Church. But over the next decade, I began to sense that I would unfortunately be required to taste the bitterness of an earthly hell.

What proved to be a nightmare-harbinger of tragedy (in my case, marked by 7 bittersweet years and 2 beautiful children), my peculiar brand of married life -- with its attendant albeit entirely unintended deceits (no matter how hard you try, you can't suppress or fool a partner's gaydar), horrific revelations (that love, the agape kind, just wasn't enough), and ultimate betrayal (hey, I'm gay: no one told me I needed to tell you), breakup and loss (even after this star-cursed one had been, in a strict connubial sense, faithful) -- became a curse within a curse, exponentially compounded. How naive and stupid we are when we're young and gay!

In its devastating aftermath, I was merely left with a more lucid confirmation of what, really, I'd understood my whole life: Homosexuality curses . . . and, as it mixes with marriage and procreation, does so absolutely (I'm all 6's on the Kinsey scale): for it utterly thwarts in its destructive wake God's Plan of Eternal Happiness. It leads to sorrow and despair. With only a short-term lease and claim to married life, my homosexuality became at my precious world's end a grim-bearer of ill-tidings, the grim-reaper of tears, unspeakable pain, and total loss.

So, then, what is one -- a gay one -- to do?

Maybe I'll give it up! (... As if that's ever gonna happen.)

I can't very well reverse me. (Though, I guess, in some sense, that's what suicide does.)

Service can certainly help, is at least therapeutic to displace the mind's focus and churn out a few feel-good experiences -- but it never comes close to filling the profound void that's always there, that always remains long after the service projects are over. Their spiritual-emotional afterglow dissipates all too soon, surrendering to a more formidable reality in the gay Star Child's life.

I now serve in a ward bishopric within the Church. But notwithstanding this service to others, whom I love, notwithstanding my undeniable testimony of Christ and His Church, my desire to do what's right and continue faithful -- despite everything -- none of these things either by themselves or collectively are able to fill the great void and unrelenting darkness in my life, nor help me to understand the terrible purpose of homosexuality. What positive, life-lending power might it ever, ever have?

I have, for instance, never in my life felt worthy -- ever.

As my life has been a continual lie to myself and others for what I am -- of what I would have them see, rather than the truth and reality of what is -- it has been utterly impossible for me to feel at peace with myself, or to enjoy the respite of any kind of peace, for that matter.

The mere state of being gay, of possessing as an integral part of my very being this unbanishable spiritual killer, this sin-curse -- which makes it, together with other sexual-orientation abberations, the only such curse like it in the world, and as such, one to rival even Death -- has made me feel utterly unworthy, a feeling I cannot shake from my soul, as much as I might wish it away or hope it to vanish. Inherently it's there, always.

And the unworthiness is there because my gay-ness is there, always.

I can't explain its purpose -- the cause or the guilt of it -- am utterly at a loss as to its rhyme or reason. I cannot see any beneficial impact, for such a curse can have no redeeming effects in -- or for -- this life, and, without yet an official "explaining" revelation, perhaps even for the next.

I do clearly see the temporal and eternal purposes and benefits of the many other afflictions and maladies of the flesh, which, as outside physical forces -- or, adversities -- are things that happen to us (acting upon our bodies or minds, to afflict us with injury, disease, or even to surface grotesquely as genetic scabs, none of which says anything about who we are, for these are but surface blotches), as being adverse to, rather than (as with homosexuality) naturally integral to, our psycho-physiological beings, our human identity and composition -- which autonomous internal force, genetically prescribed, defines who we are as men or women and acts independently from within to affect profoundly our spheres of existence.

The external adverse forces have, spiritually speaking, an inherent positive ability to build us up -- they demonstrably can strengthen, redeem, refine, sanctify, purify and otherwise prepare us for eternal life. No guilt for them exists or is experienced, nor with any logic should it, as these are things that happen to, that "act upon" us, rather than being an integral part of us; never are such afflictions considered to be, nor can they in any conceivable way be viewed as, sinful.

Homosexuality, on the other hand, is considered sinful -- by men and prophets throughout the ages. This is the reality, not only in the wider world, but also historically within the Church (until only recently).

There is, of course, a vile extension to homosexuality's status in space and time and among groups and individuals -- a frightening corollary to this "unspeakable sin." No one need tell the homosexual, who knows firsthand (having to live daily with the perversion of nature that he or she is and in the context of what others may say and even dictate as law) the real-world effects that homosexuality, as a force of identity, can have as it confronts, responds to, and is affected by the world's socioreligious norms: for, gazing deeply into the unforgiving mirrors of those established norms, homosexuality, as it is reflected back to the individual by society, tends severely to debase, weaken, corrupt and can ultimately destroy a gay person's psycho-emotional self-concept, his spiritual self-image, making he who bows to any socioreligious ideology (Mormon or otherwise) feel ever unworthy before God and men.

Homosexuality isn't something that happens to us, and it certainly isn't anything we choose (for who on this earth ever chooses their natural sexual attraction?) Rather, as with any sexuality, it is something we become aware of as emerging from within us. Those wonderful, emergent feelings of youth always come freely, naturally -- wholly unbidden and unsolicited. (Did any human being ever wake up one day and decide that they would like boys, or like girls, in spite of what Nature otherwise strongly suggested -- no, physiologically demanded -- of them?) As the very thing that composes us as men or women, gives us a human identity as being male or female, sexuality is indeed at the very core of our physiologies, our composition, our identities as human beings, that makes possible each healthy human relationship: Confuse that identity, and the world becomes a chaotic soup of sexual, psychological, emotional and spiritual disfunctionalities.

But that is Nature's power. The power of Starstuff.

I am, as I've ever been, at an utter loss to articulate, either to myself or to others -- or to God, for that matter -- this detestable, reprehensible, sickening thing that so profoundly informs my mortal life and existence, which is key to my "male" composition, identity, and perception, but which maintains such a suffocating stranglehold on my spiritual and emotional life. It overwhelms any pitiful attempt to engage healthily in relationships with those around me of either gender. Regardless of their sex, I find myself feeling exceedingly uncomfortable interacting with anyone. . . . I cannot, nor have I in any sense ever been able to, feel comfortable being "in my own skin."

The omnipresent reality and permanence of homosexuality fills my mind and my days with a terrible horror and loneliness. Never have I been able to "come out" to anyone. Nor would I ever wish to. Nor should I be expected to!

For I need not accept any responsibility for being shackled with this utter shame -- and YET, endless shame, incomprehensibly, is what I am made to feel. Why? Why would God require any of his children to feel shame, unmerited, for its own sake? A shame that I neither pretend to comprehend, nor to understand for what ugly tresspass (in the former life with God?) could possibly have merited or required my enduring a life pocked with personal, marital, and familial tumors, all malignant by nature. My mind holds no memory of any this-worldly sin that may have justified the curse. Yet homosexuality has been with me since my earliest recollections. Why, then, must I feel this undeserved shame?

Why must I feel from others a pressure to marry again, endure their spoken and unspoken judgments of why I don't date and why I continue to live alone? When the cause of all is something over which I have no control?

No fellow being who suffers an earthly malady or affliction that doesn't touch upon the present ugliness need be spiritually shamed by it, for in such there is no shame for sin. No spiritual or societal guilt need exist, for there is no shame to be had -- these are honorable afflictions ordered of themselves; by them no offense was ever made, no crime committed.

But there is no honor in homosexuality. Homosexuality is void of virtue, or redeeming grace. It possesses nothing that by its simple endurance uplifts or edifies the human spirit. Guilt for its existence, and the lies lived to cover its shame, always remain as graceless, coexistent realities.

In my personal life -- having rushed into my world entirely unbidden, unsolicited, unchosen -- this sexual affliction, this sin-curse, has caused only intense heartache, pain, unbearable loss, and left utter destruction in its wake: at the altar of naive obedience where I willingly sacrificed my God-given nature by sacred vow, it has, inexplicably, torn my family asunder, breaking the hearts of my beloved companion and my dear children -- who were senselessly ripped from me, ultimately, because the Stars had dealt me a bad hand.

I can't know why. . . . It was with great difficulty and faith that I leapt into the institution and covenant of marriage. I obeyed God, for I didn't know to do anything else. Naive? Yes. But this is to be His reward? Really. This is the promised "blessing and sanctification" that follow fulfillment of the law? For having gone forth believing that God would "provide a way," is it possible that no way, in fact, ever existed for me -- and others like me -- to accomplish the thing commanded?

No, this, I believe, would be the exception to the rule that was never revealed. At least, no Primary, Sunday School, Seminary or Institute teacher ever told me about it. Never was anything uttered in the gospel teaching of my youth that would even suggest that God could not, despite difficult temporal realities (of which I considered same-sex attraction one), make good on marriage.

No, it was, rather, my real-world life experience that delivered the stunning blow: the faith-reeling revelation not only that 1) "with God, nothing is impossible" just isn't true, but that 2) all that homosexuality might hope to bestow upon the faithful Star Child (and whether or not he or she marries, for it invariably ends up being the same!) is an existence that is at once, and neverendingly so, loveless, guilt-ridden, lonely, with no (or very little) romantic hope or joy to be had. That was the reality -- and it's a reality that continues to be corroborated by professional marriage and family counselors, both within and outside the Church, who have seen the reality time and time again.

Never ones to entertain pipedreams (as they subscribe generally to what, in fact, occurs from observed real-world experience), these professionals declare the one persistent reality about homosexuality (and, by extention, "mixed-orientation" marriage) among would-be faithful Mormons -- that it delivers, with astounding predictability and scope, a life of sadness, guilt and despair. Not, of course, a happy reality.

Perhaps homosexuality turns out to be, even, that feared "fate worse than Death" of time immemorial. For it has without doubt made of my life, and the lives of countless others, an exclusion. It literally and effectively bars me from keeping the commandment of God, and not just any command, but the crown-jewel one. It prevents me from fulfilling earth life's marriage-and-family purpose. And it does worse: for not only has it stolen and destroyed cherished parts of me in the temporal sense, it has in the cruelest way killed spiritually. It affects, in other words, the worst kind of death.

For what could be "worse" for a believing Mormon than to inhabit a senseless world of singular tragedy and loss, born of mismatched sexual identity that points to no purpose for existence, no meaningful place within God's Plan in this life or the next? Death couldn't be worse, for in a life bereft of meaning -- senseless now and for the coming eternities -- how could death, or even hell, especially when so much of both has already been experienced, factor in as being significant?

Worse than Death, indeed.

Other well-meaning persons, who, in their kind-spirited ways seem to sense that all is not well with my world, approach this, their rather normal, carefree, Church-going heterosexual friend, and ask what it is they might do for me. . . . Boy! as my mind and spirit rush to exclaim in accord, What I'd tell you in a hurry if you were a genie in a bottle! -- or Fairy Godmother, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, even Tooth Fairy (as I know they're all more powerful than each might confess, and are just holding out!)

Heaven knows, I've told God countless times -- sands-on-the-seashore amounts of times, imploring: . . . Please, make REAL and true the heterosexual illusion that Thou seest before thee. . . . Second-best plea might be, O that I were an angel! -- if such weren't a heartwish better suited to the Almas of the world.

But I know what the reality is. And no one can tell me better than I -- except perhaps God, if he would speak-- what I am.

God, however, despite my heartwish "telling," remains silent. Neither is his voice heard as to Why. I often wonder if He had any choice in the matter -- if he was given a "say" as to the kinds of disagreeable ingredients that he would, by Nature's law decreed, have to "throw into" humanity's pot. But for whatever reason, Nature demanded a perversion.

I've wished God could return to the cosmic fire and do it all over again. But this time, empowered in some blessed way to "say no" to Nature, indignantly refuse to curse his children with a perversion of identity -- "Because, that's just not right."

I've wondered, in that case, as Nature's apprentice, what I would do: what I would throw into the cosmic pot. Like Tom Sawyer (of the Readers' Digest musical), what I would do "if'n I was God."

Tom and I must be soulmates, because I think the answer wouldn't be a whole lot different than Tom's, as he holds Nature hostage until everything's right that should be right with the world:

If'n I was God
Well, just for spite
I wouldn't set the sun at night
Till everyone was treated right
By everyone else they see.

If'n I was God
I'd fix it so, without explainin'
Folks would know,
They'd know what's goin' on inside
Of everyone else like me.

Nobody'd hurt nobody else,
I wouldn't let it be.
Nobody'd have a need to pray
Except, for thankin' me.

If'n I was God
I'd make us wise
So's everyone could realize
That everywhere beneath the sun
Everyone needs everyone.

And, God, that ain't half what I would do
If'n I was you.

But then (foolish daydreams over), the real world sets in, and I wake up and feel the proverbial, though perverted, thorn in my side.

No . . . There are some things -- like gay, wayfaring Star Children who inhabit a nonsensical world of violated trusts and impossible expectations -- that should just be left alone. In their impossible confusion, isolation seems to them best. Interaction with the straights of the race but prolongs the lie that one lives, increases the guilt that one feels. And who needs more of that?

Still (and perhaps this is human nature), it's irresistible to hope. We can never stop the daydreams, it seems.

For in a gay Mormon's loneliest moments -- after despair's again returned like the drowning deep -- he pines wistfully for a happier state, where he might, in great relief and joy, uncover some lucid eternal purpose and meaning for himself. For him, as doubtless many others like him, the world as it is doesn't want to line up in the sky of his universe, and without a successful sync, the lights are likely to go out, soon.

Could it be they already have? I was never good at this game anyway.

Sadly, for some, the lights have gone out -- game over. Their pain, bewilderment, disillusionment supreme, their hopes exhausted, they've opted for that final, blessed relief, an end to all (in their anguished perspective) -- Time out.

Time,
no respecter of persons,
is not, not unlike Nature,
my friend;
Doomed as I am by
Nature's curse and left to humanity's brutality.
Time,
the essence of life,
offers me no life but that which Nature has,
in yet another omnipotent decision, allotted me.
I choose, rather, defiance --
my own omnipotence:
Time out.

So why, Father ... Why? the gay Mormon Star Child asks.

God, what wast Thou thinking when Thou didst in thy glorious creation use that perverse kind of stardust? . . . Starstuff to curse a Child! For what terrible purpose might it have been? . . . For I see no glory, no glory in it at all . . . for me or Thee. I'm in the darkness here. . . . Please help me to see again . . . Thou, who art Glorious . . . Thou, Holy, radiant, everlasting Light.

~ One of this world's many star-cursed children who's tried . . . and tried again, who's despaired -- almost utterly, but who's rekindled hope . . . and continues to try.